Khangwelo: What's my name?

The greatest act of respect one can ever show to me is to call me by my rightful name. They don't have to say it right but knowing that they tried their best is good enough for me( I believe a non-Venda can never say it right at first attempt). This means that I too have to call others by their real names or the ones they prefer to be called by. Respect is a two-way street, as they say. My name is my identity, I do not exist in its absence. In my culture, a name is believed to have a lot to say about a person's character. Mine means forgiveness and luckily my surname is also meaningful. My surname means tears, as used in the original TshiVenda Bible( that one with black hardcover and red lips). Trying to define my character using that, they would say I tend to forgive even those who bring me to tears(I'm yet to see that though).

I'm not so interesting in whether people know the meaning of my name and whether they are saying it right(provided that they really tried their best). I'm so interesting in what they call me. It's like my name is not that convenient enough, so some would try to make it simpler for themselves. The most common way of calling me is KG. It's short and uncomplicated, so they would say. They would say people the Kgomotso's of this world do not mind being called KG. What's the big deal?, they would ask. They tell me what I do not call so and so by their real names. For others, the reason is that my name is in TshiVenda, simple as that. With all these, I need to come up with reasons on why I do not want to be called the way they are calling me.

For one, I do not care about what one calls all the Kgomotso's they know. This doesn't set precedent on how people I called. I decide what I want to be called. I am not in a business of making that convenient for anyone. I don't wanna be called X or Q, as some would allow others to call them. It just reminds me of how much we have to lose of ourselves as we try to make ourselves 'acceptable' in whichever societies we live in. It's painful when the world cannot accept me as I am, then I have to settle for what I am not order to fit in. I will never let anyone lead to question if there's anything wrong with me(in this case, my name). I do not believe we are in this world to please other people at our own expense. I am as complicated as my name. I would prefer more not to be called at all than to be called what I don't want to be called. It's that or nothing. It was in UCT that I learnt that as a person I need to stand up for myself, as no one can understand my pain better than I do.

Still on the issue of pain, you cannot understand the other person's pain unless you have experienced it yourself(firsthand). It might look senseless but I don't disregard anyone's pain based on my understanding. This has helped me a lot in these times of student activism. With a lot of questions being asked about institutional systems in place, I had to personalize the issues and ask myself how I also suffer oppression on a social level. Interesting times indeed, as it allows me to see how I have been a victim and also a perpetuator of oppression unawares. I am on my own, I need to look out for myself and no one can know about my own emotional pain unless I voice it. I just have to be careful that I don't abuse others as I look out for myself. The world doesn't need any more hypocrisy.

I am very good with names, I even go as far as remembering what they mean. This comes from the fact that I value people so much. They are the masterpiece of God's creation, as other authors would say. It's just that people do not always treat you the way you treat them(they really need Jesus). I love the smile they give me when I call them by name but I hate to see the feeling of guilt in their face when they realise that they don't remember my name(it's always awkward to re-ask a person what their name is). I guess that's how we learn, we always remember those things that we once forgot. I guess I am not the only one who loves being called by their name, because even those people would always make an effort to find out what my name is.

I call myself K-Master. Sometimes I call myself Khangweezy. Or just KMan. If things are gradually improving in my life, I call myself the Slow Poison(slowly but surely, you know the drill). With all that being said, I expect everyone to call me Khangwelo. Is that too  much to ask?.

Peaks And Valleys : Not Always Getting It Right

Lion's Head Hike

Without a doubt, this semester has been the most exciting in my UCT career so far. I am in a very good space personally. I am doing five courses, highest I've ever done in a semester, and I am managing just fine. I fell in love with Accounting once again( after going through what a blogger would call blogger's block), enjoying the Taxation language, getting my highest mark ever in UCT in the Business Law test and eventually passing a Macroeconomics essay. As academics is the only thing I am good in, it is the greatest source of my happiness. Even my self-esteem depends on how well I am doing at school. My graph has been upward sloping lately( never the Algebra/Geometry there, whatever it is). For once I just felt that I'm in control. The positivity around is just awesome, what a time to be alive as they say.

Enough about school(at least for now). I went for a Lion's Head hiking during the short vacation. Despite having been in Cape Town for over year and a half, I had not done hiking. I also went for the Open Stellenbosch march in the same vac to offer my support to Matties students standing up against the language policy in their university( Told you I'm an activist at heart, it's hard not to be one lately) Completing the 10km Cape Town Marathon Peace Run is the highlight of my semester so far. I've also entered for the KFM 10km Gun Run in October. It feels so good to do something outside of school. It's like standing up to a bully. To have that courage to say that there's more to life than books and being able to experience life outside one's comfort zones, it's amazing(#ChallengeYourself). I realised that it's not like I couldn't do a lot of things, it's merely that I didn't give myself a chance to do a lot of things. Now I'm paying for that, I have a lot of catching up to do. I just have to make sure that my schoolwork doesn't suffer as I'm in the process of making up for lost time and ensuring that I grow wholistically going forward.

As it always happens to economies that grow rapidly around the world, the bubble has to burst. The graphs always have a turning point and for me it was dismally failing the Taxation test. After doing so well in the first test, I couldn't understand why people would say Tax is difficult. I was enjoying the ride, I was the main man, I never saw it coming and it hit me so hard. I got just over a half of what I got in the first test. This revealed one thing about my character once again, which is getting ahead of myself. I let early success get into my head and it convinces me that I've achieved, whereas in reality there's still a long way to go. I use the analogy of early ejaculation to explain it(Oops!, that's unlike you Khangwelo). Contrary to popular belief, I still have a long way when it comes to teaching myself humility, especially when it comes to how to respond to success. My peers believe that I'm fairly good academically(in UCT standards even), just that I fail to make my success sustainable. 'I have my days', as I put it.

I don't understand how it works but whenever something unpleasant happens, I forget about all the good things happening in my life. It destroys me and makes me question everything. I don't know when I became this unrealistic, expecting everything to go my way. I don't know why it becomes so hard to convince myself that it happens to the best of us. There are times when even the motivational quotes become meaningless and I just 'why me?'. Tax humbled me but I am glad it happened before the exams, so it gives me enough time to change my approach to it when I still can(tell me about taking positives from negatives).

I wish I could go back to my high school years, and tell my classmates that I looked down upon that I understand what they were going through. It's not that they were lazy or dumb, they did their best but their best wasn't good enough. I didn't understand them at the time. Why would a person who comes to school everyday, makes on noise, stay behind for study time, not do well?. It's just one of those things I could never understand until I have gone through them myself. In all the tests I have failed in UCT, I never thought I was going to fail them even after writing them. I prepare for them, I even enjoyed writing some of them(I even finished the Tax test, what an achievement!) but surprise surprise, I failed them. Remember the Bible text about a way that seems right but leads to death?. I think I know that way, it's self-exaltation and anything 'self'. After a long time of self-deception, one cannot be ready when reality kicks in.

I hope the Tax test will the lowest valley this semester and the good Lord will help me to move on and have a lot more peaks. It's of no use having a past experience if it's not gonna help me fight my future battles. I hope to be wiser as I prepare for the upcoming final exams, as I now know that no one is immune from failure. As I don't wanna limit my life to just school, I hope to apply lessons learnt in life in general. As I paraphrase  Romans 8:18, what I face today is nothing compared to what God has in store for me. I don't always get it right, but I will always try one more time

Humility: Staying True To Myself

I was only reminded about my blog a few days ago by a good friend that I had just added to  my Google circles. He said he liked what he read there. I was surprised that someone actually read what I wrote. Just like my tweets, I don't really expect anyone to read my blog posts. I used the word 'expect' intentionally there, because without expectations, there's no disappointments.You can't blame a brother for watching out for himself, disappointments are no fun. I lasted blogged more than two months ago. Not expecting anyone to read my stuff helps to be as open as possible, hence the name Conversations With Myself ( I'm sure Mandela wouldn't mind). This is a space where I can be just 'me' as I put my stuff on paper ( blogging is writing, remember).

The feedback I've been getting has been very positive and encouraging. It's also scary at the same time, I was also reluctant about writing another posts. The reason for being reluctant was that I didn't know how people will receive my future posts. I think that's normal though, we always wanna do better than the last time. I felt like I've raised expectations and I didn't know how I could live up to them any more ( self-inflicted,  right?). I was thinking about ways on how I can stay relevant to the people that have read my blog. Those were the things that were on my mind as I replied to a fellow comments on my previous posts. I believe them when they say we create our own demons, unnecessarily.

It's only now that I realised that I missed the point. Going back to basics is one thing I do in my life whenever I feel like I'm at the crossroads, that's when I ask myself why I started what I'm busy with  at first place. I started this blog to create my own space where I can simply express myself. Having people to read and comment is a plus. This was a moment in which phrases like 'get your priorities right' became so vital. I was being unfair to myself and people around me. I was paying too much attention to people's expectations that I forgot my simple mission: to  be just me and nothing more. I was going against the same 'values' that led to the establishment of the blog. I felt so bad as I thought about it later.

I believe I have nothing to prove to anyone. I don't need to please anyone at my own peril. I've seen celebrities losing themselves as they are striving to be what the public expects them to be. I've seen preachers compromising the truth for the fear of public judgement. I'm not willing to bear a burden of what people say about or how they see my blogposts.  Mine is to stay true to myself. My greatest joy will come from knowing that people love what I write because it is genuine and honest, not from how many views and comments I get. I've seen what Facebookers do to get 'em likes, and how they lose their originality in the way. Not that I want to be Public Enemy Number 1. I just don't want to get false comfort from knowing how people love my work, because that was not the main goal.

Back to compliments again, they are good and we all need them ( I still wonder why the Bill Of Rights doesn't include them). They are also bad though, especially for someone like me who easily gets ahead of himself. They can make me feel very arrogant, and feel I've achieved something while I have not. They make me complacent and that's why I never do well in my 2nd tests and final exams, if I did well in the first test. You know, like the cheers from the fans in the stands making you think that you've won the race?. What if I'm not as good as I think about I am?. Who will I be when  the cheering stop?.

One basic formula for happiness in life is to know who to please. In this case, I have only three people to please, and it's just me, myself and I. If I please anyone else along the way or  someone can relate, that's a bonus and it's much appreciated. I will try to stay humble and put no pressure on myself. There's no pressure in being myself, as that's the best person I can be.

L.O.V.E: Matters Of The Heart

We can be best friends until you ask me about love. I've never been  comfortable with talking about my love life, or lack thereof. I do not usually fall in love but when I actually do, I fall so hard that I even hurt myself. I have never been in a relationship though, despite my numerous attempts to be  in one. Maybe it's the sadness  of my love stories that makes  me reluctant to talk about  love. If I can be given a chance to ask God a question, it will be why He lets us fall in love with love who may never love us back. Why do we have to go through all the trouble and still get nothing in turn.

The process of  falling in love is amazing. You meet someone, you like them( I believe in love at first sight, yeah), you want to know more about them, you fall in love with everything about them. If it's really deep, you even start thinking about building the future with them. It's all good, as all fantasies are. You build up the courage to tell them how you feel about them ( an act of bravery, if you ask me). When you finally tell them how you feel about them, that's when the castle you built in the air comes crushing down( story of my life). Expectation meets reality. You failed to read between the lines. It's just discouraging to know that falling in love with someone isn't enough to  get them into a relationship with you. There's nothing as heartbreaking as knowing that you've done your best  but your best wasn't good enough. You don't mean to them what they mean to you. How sad!

It's one of those things that makes me  question why the  world turned out to be so unfair, especially for good boys like me.You never know the struggle of being a good boy unless you are one, every girl loves you but 'not in that way'. Then, if you are a believer like I am, you will find comfort in believing that God has someone  better for you. Anyway, that's what all the girls I've fallen in love wish for me. 'I therefore wish that God blesses you with a great girlfriend', wrote one of them. Is there any girl 'greater' than you?. Am I supposed to find consolation in that?. What is good about being a 'good boy' then?. Maybe I should have a 'bad boy' side, isn't that what girls want?. How can I continue to believe that I'm a 'good boy' if I'm not what they want?. Not knowing what's wrong with me makes it harder for me to find ways to improve my approach going forward.

It was in Economics that I was taught about the concept of double coincidence of wants. It simply says that, in the absence of money, I should have something that you want if I want something from you. Applied in the complex theory of love, in order for a relationship to exist, I must be the man that she wants as much as she's the woman that I want. But then how would I know that she wants me?. At some point, I told myself that I will never fall in love again unless I'm 100% sure that the girl  I'm falling in love with  loves me back. I realised that it was too unrealistic. I've accepted that there will always be an  element of risk attached when I profess love to any girl. The price is too high, because even the friendship you had before will not be the same. I don't even wanna talk about the emotional downtime you will always go through. I never saw myself as an emotional being until I suffered rejection, it just broke me in a way that nothing in life made sense. It sucks being a human sometimes, having limitations to the heights you can reach and not getting what you value so much. It was a learning experience though, it generally taught how I have to respond to situations in which things don't go my way. Love-wise, it taught me that girls don't like it when we boys sulk.

They say love knows no boundaries and all that kinda stuff. I'm starting to question those notations. After having to deal with three rejections, maybe there's something wrong with the people I fall in love with. They are out of my league. I'm just not their 'type'. The last thing I want, even in life in general, to be delusional. I want to face reality as it is and accept it for what it is. Maybe love life is this one sphere of my life in which I need to apply that. You can relax, I'm not tapping out of this love game( no, it's too emotional to be a game). As I know how it feels to be in love with someone, I still want to know how it feels to be loved back.

Despite the fact that I've never been in a relationship, I strongly believe in love. Seeing someone for who they are and loving them in presence of their obvious flaws is just...inexplainable. Everyone deserves some happiness in their lives and relationships are supposed to be a place where people can find that. The hope that someone one day will give her life to me and I give mine to her is what keeps me going. I guess it's only with love that life becomes worth living. I still don't believe that love is overrated. It is its mysterious nature that intrigues me the most.

I don't regret not having been in a relationship before, for I believe the relationships I'll be in will be worth the wait. Hope I'm not once again building castle in the air. I hope I won't find myself singing Nelly' 'Just A Dream'  again. I will appreciate the one I will be with for I know that it's not always that one gets who they want. I will love, love and love again. To love is to live.

Fitting In: Survival Of The Coolest

A question that I asked myself after few weeks in UCT was whether I was in the right place or not. I had great grades( just like anyone here) but I could feel that the life here would need something more than that. I could feel that the space was suffocating me, I couldn't breathe. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was going through( I read the UCT Prospectus every night in my matric year), I was just all alone in this big world. I had to be strong and be a big boy( big boys don't cry).

I was made to believe that education is all that mattered. Not that I come from an educated family. I was never good in anything that my peers engaged in, be it soccer, music( Venrap is big in my 'hood), girls, marble games etc. I am not the most streetwise person you'll ever meet. The only thing I was good in was academics. Initially I was not exceptionally good but just because it was the only thing I focused my energy on, I ended up being one of the best learners to have ever come out of the schools I went to. That was good and it put me in the best university on the Continent. Yeah I said it was good but it was not enough. The life in  UCT needed much more than what the textbooks had taught me, it needed someone who had developed wholistically. In high school and before that, I could hide behind my books and shy away from the world. Teachers' and parents' compliments made me believe I was something I was really not( it took UCT to burst the bubble). It is not like it is a bad thing to focus on one's schoolwork. It only becomes problematic where it hinders one from living the life now, thinking that they are preparing for the future that they will never be ready for.

The experience of difficulty with adapting to a university environment is this one thing that one cannot understand unless they have gone through it firsthand. Being the first one( hopefully I won't be the last) from my family to have gone to university, it means that my family could not understand what I was going through. It's very good to have as many people as possible being proud of you and believing in you but if what they think about you isn't really how you see yourself, it just becomes this heavy burden on one's shoulders. You cannot be honest with those kind of people even when the going gets tough, they know you as someone who can always pull through and you want to be that person to them. I now have a problem with expectations, for it's only without them that we won't have disappointments. They have played a huge role in the decisions I had made in the past, and in so doing I've let other people live their lives through me. It is only when you are sure of what you want that you do not conform to the expectations, you follow your heart though that can lead you to a road less traveled.

Turns out that Accounting is not the only thing I had to learn. Nothing was familiar to me. Conversations would now have to be in English, laundry would have to be with a washing machine, now I will have to do some shopping on my own, I would have to make new friends etc. I had to learn to manage my life, not just my schoolwork as I used to. For anything to happen in my life, I had to make it happen. This is supposed to be fun for most people but not for me, I love comfort zones and I stay in them for as long as I can. This means that I take long to adjust to a change in my life and this one was overwhelmingly big. Fortunately I was placed in a catering residence hall, so I didn't have to cook( I still haven't learnt how to cook). In the meantime, I am supposed to keep up with my schoolwork and to do well( that had been my life story). You can only imagine how I felt when I found out that I wasn't doing as well as I've always expected myself to. It is never a pleasant feeling when you see that everything in your life is out of control, when you try to fix this, that is getting worse on the other side. It's in situations like those that you start to cry out like Jesus 'Eloi eloi lama sabachthani', with heavy burdens on your shoulders and no one to help you cope.

Even with platforms like social media, people do not talk and they suffer in silence. We always want the world to see the best of us in these platforms, that way they can like us( pun intended). I just wanted someone to tell me that I wasn't the only one feeling lost, I wanted them to tell me that it's a normal passing phase. Just that the environment in UCT is too individualistic, in a way that everyone has locked themselves in a corner and deal with their issues on their own. This is a very different setting to the one I grew up in, where people live in communities and share their burdens.

In all these, I learnt to love myself unconditionally. That's radical self-love, as some call it. I learnt to love and accept myself for who I am before I expect the world to do the same. They say if you face the world with a smile(  don't fake it), it smiles back at you. You cannot expect to get from the world what you cannot give yourself. I learnt that there's nothing inherently wrong with me, maybe there was just something wrong with my approach to life. There was no need to fit in, or to try to. If there are people who are meant to be in my life, it would eventually end up there without me having to change who I am. I never had to be hard on myself, because that way I turned a blind eye to my good qualities and focused on those things I couldn't immediately obtain.

Loving myself didn't mean that I didn't have to see my mistakes, I just meant that I was able to see myself beyond those mistakes. Loving myself meant that I can be better than what I was. It was only after that I even fear the potential that I have, I learnt that I didn't have to try to hard, that I can take it easy and just be smart in everything I do. As I continue to love myself and appreciate those I have in my life, I hope reach greater heights than I have ever imagined. By being myself, I not only do favour to myself, but also to the world with which I interact.

"Accepting myself for who I really am is the best favour I have done for myself, it makes me be at peace with reality"- Khangwelo Matodzi

Family Dynamics:Blood Is Thicker Than Water

Everyone who knows me knows that I never talk about my family. It's not that I'm ashamed of them or something. I just believe that everyone comes from a uniquely amazing family, that they will never have time to listen to my family story. I never talk about them unless I'm asked to do so. They don't have much but they contributed a lot for me to be a person I'm today. They are a very interesting bunch of people. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that they can be featured in a family reality show( they are not that scandalous).

My mother has six children, three girls and three boys. I believe it can't get better than this, my studies of Accounting has always taught me about the important of balance. What I find very amazing about my siblings is that they are extremely unique, be it physical, intellectual, religious, academic and in any sphere of one's life. It's very difficult for an outsider to identify my family member based on what they do or how they look like. Despite all my 'differences', we do get along very well. I guess it's just easy to get along with those that one shares the struggles with me, those who represent your everyday reality. Our struggles have brought us together, and now we know that we are the only ones that take ourselves out of our poverty. My motivation has always been to help my family, I want to be in a position in which I can just help them but help them to help themselves.

My sister Phumudzo was the one that used to inspire me to do well at school. She never repeated a grade until she reached grade 11, where she had a kid as a teenager. I used to watch her waking up very early in the morning to prepare for her school day at Ndaedzo, the high school in which I became the top learner in my matric year. My daily walk to Ndaedzo was never easy but knowing that my sister has trodden the path before me was comforting. I believe she could have ended up as somebody in life, had it not been for the child she had. All these just remind me of the fact that talent alone can never be enough, there always need to be discipline to supplement it if someone is to unleash their full potential. She's now a caring mother to her two sons and my kids would be fortunate to one day call her 'auntie'. I believe she can still achieve great things in her life, it's just a matter of chance being presented to her.

I have an older brother that I'm just not close to. We have no grudges or something, we just happened to be friends. We never really talk but we share a room. It's really awkward when we are together. I guess it's because we didn't grow up together. He stayed with my uncle at the other side of the village, because our house didn't have enough space to accommodate him. After a boy has gone to the circumcision school, he is culturally not allowed to share a room with the females. We lived in a one-roomed house, so there was literally no space. I have heard from some people that he is so proud of me( it's not like I expect him to say it to my face though). It's understandable given the environment in which I grew up, where you don't tell people that you love them, you show them that you love them. He's quite a nice person and I have nothing against him. He has been through a lot in his life. I am glad things are working out for him now that he has a job.

My mother is the one that has always been there for me. She just doesn't have much but she tries. Her support through through my primary and secondary school has been amazing, she has always maintained a good relations with my teachers. I'm sure she wishes she could do for me what other women in the village has done for me but I'm so grateful for her support. My life mission is to make her proud. Words could not describe the joy and pride that she had the day  I passed matric. She was not settled when I had to leave for Cape Town, I was the first one in the family to have ever left home at such a young age( but I was 19 mom). She's now fine with it, but she says I don't keep in touch as much as I have to. That's just how mothers are(they can't let go), to them we'll always be the little ones they gave birth to. With the number of grandchildren she has, she always the centre of attention. Kids always want to play with their Makhulu.

I always say that one thing I miss the most when I'm in Cape Town is kids. We always had them when I was growing up, from my younger brother to my sisters' children. Not that I enjoyed playing with them, they are simply a bundle of joy( any African family knows that). It's just priceless to watch them grow. I only see children on Sabbaths when I go to church. I feel I'm missing out on my nephews' lives now that I'm in Cape Town. People would jokingly say my home is a creche, based on the number of children we always have. Children are truly a gift from God, I've seen how easy it is to accept them, no matter how they came into the world. Being with them helps me to realize this fact of life: little things matter.

What I love about my family is that you are never forced to do or to be something, we all have been given a chance to choose what we feel is best for us. No one can point a finger at others for their failures. We were allowed to do what we wanted, as long as we will be ready to suffer the consequences. The problem with freedom of choice has always been that people do not know what's best for themselves. The good thing about freedom of choice is that you learn to be responsible( remember you are the only one to blame should things go wrong).

I've seen how far we have come as a family,when we were told we would never count for something, to where we are now. We have been lucky not to have lost any member of our family( except for our father who didn't stay with us anyway). We have sometimes been scattered but all those who have left have always known that they have a home at Manamani. One day the sun shall shine upon us and we shall smile.Family Over Everything

The Memoirs: The Reflections On The 1st Semester of 2nd Year In UCT

I just love reflections, though I don't usually do them. They give me a chance to realize how far I've come and how far I also need to go. Things get boring when we just continually do them, without pausing and giving ourselves a chance to ask why we are doing and where do we want to up. It's only through my reflections that I learn about my mistakes and shortcomings, and they help me to find a way I can improve going forward. I'm gonna be trying to assess myself after the semester that I had just recently had. I believe tests and exams are not necessarily a true  representation of how a semester has been. I believe there's more to student life than just books, it's all about the holistic development of person.

Change Of Curriculum 
I was initially registered for Bcom Accounting With Law but I only had to start doing some Law courses in my second year. I was so happy that I was doing something so unique and that I would hopefully enjoy. It helped to work really hard in my first year, as there were some minimum requirements I had to meet if I were to pursue my studies of Law. I'm glad I worked hard enough to meet the criteria.

After receiving my final first year results, I had to think about what I really wanted to do with my life. UCT believes that one cannot make a final decision about what they wanna do in matric, so Bcom degree is structured in a way that one keeps their options open throughout their first year of study. This means that I could still choose to specialize in anything within the Bcom programme. One thing I learnt as I was thinking about what route to take was that I really don't know what I wanna do with my life. I wish I had something like a calling, something I can't get enough of, something that will make my life worth living and  that would make me feel fulfilled at the end of each and every day.

Bcom Accounting;CA Stream  was the safest thing I could do. I've always been good in Accounting, I almost got full marks in my matric exams. People get surprised when I tell them that I'm studying Accounting but I do not want to be a Chartered Accountant. The only motive that most people have for becoming accountants is that it pays well. I don't wanna be a paid slave, I wasn't brought up in an environment that values money more than anything. Now I'm studying Accounting:CA stream and all that I'm looking forward to is to get my Accounting Honours at the end of my fourth year. I don't believe that life has to stop because I don't know what I want, no. I believe that things have their own ways of working themselves out. What's important now is for me to get a Bcom. something to fall back on.

I'm glad that I'm not signed, which means that I'm not obliged to do my articles with an accounting firm immediately after my Honours. I'm loving the flexibility that this gives me, I can't get into commitment when I don't even know what I want. With more exposure and maturity, I believe I will choose to do something that will work out the best for me. For now, I can't know what's best for me. Things change, what's looks good today may not necessarily be good in the near future.

It's not like I'm hopeless though when it comes to what I want, I'm seeing some light gradually. I'm an Accounting tutor at my residence hall, and I'm loving teaching it to the freshers. The feedback from those I have tutored is quite impressive. I think I can do teaching, obviously not high school teaching. UCT Commerce has this Academic Trainee programme that offers the Accounting Honours graduates a chance to do their first year of articles with them, while they are teaching undergraduate students. It's a wonderful opportunity that I would like to have. It would give me a chance to see and compare the real corporate world with the academic world, allowing me to choose where I think I will fit in best. Surely I will have to get very good grades to be considered for the programme. It's a goal that I will be working towards in my UCT career and I hope eventually everything will work out for me.

I believe we all deserve to be given a chance to do what we love and make a contribution where we feel it will be more appreciated. Although I'm in the dark now, I believe there's so much to look forward to in my life. May the good Lord allow me to fulfill the mission for which He sent into this world