We can be best friends until you ask me about love. I've never been comfortable with talking about my love life, or lack thereof. I do not usually fall in love but when I actually do, I fall so hard that I even hurt myself. I have never been in a relationship though, despite my numerous attempts to be in one. Maybe it's the sadness of my love stories that makes me reluctant to talk about love. If I can be given a chance to ask God a question, it will be why He lets us fall in love with love who may never love us back. Why do we have to go through all the trouble and still get nothing in turn.
The process of falling in love is amazing. You meet someone, you like them( I believe in love at first sight, yeah), you want to know more about them, you fall in love with everything about them. If it's really deep, you even start thinking about building the future with them. It's all good, as all fantasies are. You build up the courage to tell them how you feel about them ( an act of bravery, if you ask me). When you finally tell them how you feel about them, that's when the castle you built in the air comes crushing down( story of my life). Expectation meets reality. You failed to read between the lines. It's just discouraging to know that falling in love with someone isn't enough to get them into a relationship with you. There's nothing as heartbreaking as knowing that you've done your best but your best wasn't good enough. You don't mean to them what they mean to you. How sad!
It's one of those things that makes me question why the world turned out to be so unfair, especially for good boys like me.You never know the struggle of being a good boy unless you are one, every girl loves you but 'not in that way'. Then, if you are a believer like I am, you will find comfort in believing that God has someone better for you. Anyway, that's what all the girls I've fallen in love wish for me. 'I therefore wish that God blesses you with a great girlfriend', wrote one of them. Is there any girl 'greater' than you?. Am I supposed to find consolation in that?. What is good about being a 'good boy' then?. Maybe I should have a 'bad boy' side, isn't that what girls want?. How can I continue to believe that I'm a 'good boy' if I'm not what they want?. Not knowing what's wrong with me makes it harder for me to find ways to improve my approach going forward.
It was in Economics that I was taught about the concept of double coincidence of wants. It simply says that, in the absence of money, I should have something that you want if I want something from you. Applied in the complex theory of love, in order for a relationship to exist, I must be the man that she wants as much as she's the woman that I want. But then how would I know that she wants me?. At some point, I told myself that I will never fall in love again unless I'm 100% sure that the girl I'm falling in love with loves me back. I realised that it was too unrealistic. I've accepted that there will always be an element of risk attached when I profess love to any girl. The price is too high, because even the friendship you had before will not be the same. I don't even wanna talk about the emotional downtime you will always go through. I never saw myself as an emotional being until I suffered rejection, it just broke me in a way that nothing in life made sense. It sucks being a human sometimes, having limitations to the heights you can reach and not getting what you value so much. It was a learning experience though, it generally taught how I have to respond to situations in which things don't go my way. Love-wise, it taught me that girls don't like it when we boys sulk.
They say love knows no boundaries and all that kinda stuff. I'm starting to question those notations. After having to deal with three rejections, maybe there's something wrong with the people I fall in love with. They are out of my league. I'm just not their 'type'. The last thing I want, even in life in general, to be delusional. I want to face reality as it is and accept it for what it is. Maybe love life is this one sphere of my life in which I need to apply that. You can relax, I'm not tapping out of this love game( no, it's too emotional to be a game). As I know how it feels to be in love with someone, I still want to know how it feels to be loved back.
Despite the fact that I've never been in a relationship, I strongly believe in love. Seeing someone for who they are and loving them in presence of their obvious flaws is just...inexplainable. Everyone deserves some happiness in their lives and relationships are supposed to be a place where people can find that. The hope that someone one day will give her life to me and I give mine to her is what keeps me going. I guess it's only with love that life becomes worth living. I still don't believe that love is overrated. It is its mysterious nature that intrigues me the most.
I don't regret not having been in a relationship before, for I believe the relationships I'll be in will be worth the wait. Hope I'm not once again building castle in the air. I hope I won't find myself singing Nelly' 'Just A Dream' again. I will appreciate the one I will be with for I know that it's not always that one gets who they want. I will love, love and love again. To love is to live.
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