Lately I have been asking myself if I have what it takes to make it thorough this semester. I am sure I'm not pushing myself hard enough. I only do what I am required to do and that's not enough to even pass, there's more that one has to do on their own. I don't think I can even study properly any more, I'm not as productive as I used to be. Even when my marks suck, I forgive myself easily. When I think of where I am right now and where I would want to be, I think it would take a miracle for me to get there. I have never been in such a bad space academically and it scares me that this is happening in my final semester. What scares me the most is the fact that I don't have any solid plan to rescue myself.
I usually miss the lectures for my major, Financial Reporting and even if I attend, I usually don't understand the content being taught. I don't do my tutorials properly. I don't think I have much to offer to my group mates in our BAG project, general I'm not comfortable with this BAG course. I have not passed a Corporate Governance test. I am scared of Management Accounting, it's one of those courses about which it's easy to say you will fail no matter how much you work on it. The only Accounting course that I'm comfortable with is Taxation II, it's the only one in which I've managed to obtain marks above the averages for the two tests we have written so far. I know most people in final year are feeling the pressure and not doing well but I have never been the person who finds comfort in the fact that he's not alone in the struggle. Yes, I might be in the same boat with many people but it's my personal responsibility that I jump out of that boat and fight for my survival.
I have been struggling to stay motivated. I need to go back to the drawing board and remind myself of why I'm doing this. I will need to remind myself of how I fear not amounting to anything in life. I will need to remind myself of how much of a privilege it is to study at one of the most pretigious institutions of higher learning in the African Continent and about how many lives back home can be changed if I play my part responsibly. At the end of the day, it's not just about me but also about other people who can be inspired by my success. I need to develop and implement a rescue plan before it's too late. This will require me to be very honest with myself and maybe even stop being too forgiving towards myself. I thought knowing that graduation is around the corner would keep me motivated but so far it has not. The semester will not get any easier and if some things do not change, I will only have myself to blame for my failure.
The year in general has not been great. I hope I'll be able to turn it around in the last few months of the semester. As it's Olympics time, I'm reminded of the fact that it's not how you start but how you finish that matters. I hope I will finish strong. Watch the space!
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