Khangwelo: What's my name?

The greatest act of respect one can ever show to me is to call me by my rightful name. They don't have to say it right but knowing that they tried their best is good enough for me( I believe a non-Venda can never say it right at first attempt). This means that I too have to call others by their real names or the ones they prefer to be called by. Respect is a two-way street, as they say. My name is my identity, I do not exist in its absence. In my culture, a name is believed to have a lot to say about a person's character. Mine means forgiveness and luckily my surname is also meaningful. My surname means tears, as used in the original TshiVenda Bible( that one with black hardcover and red lips). Trying to define my character using that, they would say I tend to forgive even those who bring me to tears(I'm yet to see that though).

I'm not so interesting in whether people know the meaning of my name and whether they are saying it right(provided that they really tried their best). I'm so interesting in what they call me. It's like my name is not that convenient enough, so some would try to make it simpler for themselves. The most common way of calling me is KG. It's short and uncomplicated, so they would say. They would say people the Kgomotso's of this world do not mind being called KG. What's the big deal?, they would ask. They tell me what I do not call so and so by their real names. For others, the reason is that my name is in TshiVenda, simple as that. With all these, I need to come up with reasons on why I do not want to be called the way they are calling me.

For one, I do not care about what one calls all the Kgomotso's they know. This doesn't set precedent on how people I called. I decide what I want to be called. I am not in a business of making that convenient for anyone. I don't wanna be called X or Q, as some would allow others to call them. It just reminds me of how much we have to lose of ourselves as we try to make ourselves 'acceptable' in whichever societies we live in. It's painful when the world cannot accept me as I am, then I have to settle for what I am not order to fit in. I will never let anyone lead to question if there's anything wrong with me(in this case, my name). I do not believe we are in this world to please other people at our own expense. I am as complicated as my name. I would prefer more not to be called at all than to be called what I don't want to be called. It's that or nothing. It was in UCT that I learnt that as a person I need to stand up for myself, as no one can understand my pain better than I do.

Still on the issue of pain, you cannot understand the other person's pain unless you have experienced it yourself(firsthand). It might look senseless but I don't disregard anyone's pain based on my understanding. This has helped me a lot in these times of student activism. With a lot of questions being asked about institutional systems in place, I had to personalize the issues and ask myself how I also suffer oppression on a social level. Interesting times indeed, as it allows me to see how I have been a victim and also a perpetuator of oppression unawares. I am on my own, I need to look out for myself and no one can know about my own emotional pain unless I voice it. I just have to be careful that I don't abuse others as I look out for myself. The world doesn't need any more hypocrisy.

I am very good with names, I even go as far as remembering what they mean. This comes from the fact that I value people so much. They are the masterpiece of God's creation, as other authors would say. It's just that people do not always treat you the way you treat them(they really need Jesus). I love the smile they give me when I call them by name but I hate to see the feeling of guilt in their face when they realise that they don't remember my name(it's always awkward to re-ask a person what their name is). I guess that's how we learn, we always remember those things that we once forgot. I guess I am not the only one who loves being called by their name, because even those people would always make an effort to find out what my name is.

I call myself K-Master. Sometimes I call myself Khangweezy. Or just KMan. If things are gradually improving in my life, I call myself the Slow Poison(slowly but surely, you know the drill). With all that being said, I expect everyone to call me Khangwelo. Is that too  much to ask?.

Peaks And Valleys : Not Always Getting It Right

Lion's Head Hike

Without a doubt, this semester has been the most exciting in my UCT career so far. I am in a very good space personally. I am doing five courses, highest I've ever done in a semester, and I am managing just fine. I fell in love with Accounting once again( after going through what a blogger would call blogger's block), enjoying the Taxation language, getting my highest mark ever in UCT in the Business Law test and eventually passing a Macroeconomics essay. As academics is the only thing I am good in, it is the greatest source of my happiness. Even my self-esteem depends on how well I am doing at school. My graph has been upward sloping lately( never the Algebra/Geometry there, whatever it is). For once I just felt that I'm in control. The positivity around is just awesome, what a time to be alive as they say.

Enough about school(at least for now). I went for a Lion's Head hiking during the short vacation. Despite having been in Cape Town for over year and a half, I had not done hiking. I also went for the Open Stellenbosch march in the same vac to offer my support to Matties students standing up against the language policy in their university( Told you I'm an activist at heart, it's hard not to be one lately) Completing the 10km Cape Town Marathon Peace Run is the highlight of my semester so far. I've also entered for the KFM 10km Gun Run in October. It feels so good to do something outside of school. It's like standing up to a bully. To have that courage to say that there's more to life than books and being able to experience life outside one's comfort zones, it's amazing(#ChallengeYourself). I realised that it's not like I couldn't do a lot of things, it's merely that I didn't give myself a chance to do a lot of things. Now I'm paying for that, I have a lot of catching up to do. I just have to make sure that my schoolwork doesn't suffer as I'm in the process of making up for lost time and ensuring that I grow wholistically going forward.

As it always happens to economies that grow rapidly around the world, the bubble has to burst. The graphs always have a turning point and for me it was dismally failing the Taxation test. After doing so well in the first test, I couldn't understand why people would say Tax is difficult. I was enjoying the ride, I was the main man, I never saw it coming and it hit me so hard. I got just over a half of what I got in the first test. This revealed one thing about my character once again, which is getting ahead of myself. I let early success get into my head and it convinces me that I've achieved, whereas in reality there's still a long way to go. I use the analogy of early ejaculation to explain it(Oops!, that's unlike you Khangwelo). Contrary to popular belief, I still have a long way when it comes to teaching myself humility, especially when it comes to how to respond to success. My peers believe that I'm fairly good academically(in UCT standards even), just that I fail to make my success sustainable. 'I have my days', as I put it.

I don't understand how it works but whenever something unpleasant happens, I forget about all the good things happening in my life. It destroys me and makes me question everything. I don't know when I became this unrealistic, expecting everything to go my way. I don't know why it becomes so hard to convince myself that it happens to the best of us. There are times when even the motivational quotes become meaningless and I just 'why me?'. Tax humbled me but I am glad it happened before the exams, so it gives me enough time to change my approach to it when I still can(tell me about taking positives from negatives).

I wish I could go back to my high school years, and tell my classmates that I looked down upon that I understand what they were going through. It's not that they were lazy or dumb, they did their best but their best wasn't good enough. I didn't understand them at the time. Why would a person who comes to school everyday, makes on noise, stay behind for study time, not do well?. It's just one of those things I could never understand until I have gone through them myself. In all the tests I have failed in UCT, I never thought I was going to fail them even after writing them. I prepare for them, I even enjoyed writing some of them(I even finished the Tax test, what an achievement!) but surprise surprise, I failed them. Remember the Bible text about a way that seems right but leads to death?. I think I know that way, it's self-exaltation and anything 'self'. After a long time of self-deception, one cannot be ready when reality kicks in.

I hope the Tax test will the lowest valley this semester and the good Lord will help me to move on and have a lot more peaks. It's of no use having a past experience if it's not gonna help me fight my future battles. I hope to be wiser as I prepare for the upcoming final exams, as I now know that no one is immune from failure. As I don't wanna limit my life to just school, I hope to apply lessons learnt in life in general. As I paraphrase  Romans 8:18, what I face today is nothing compared to what God has in store for me. I don't always get it right, but I will always try one more time