Misplaced!, on Upper

On the Devil's Peak, overlooking Cape Town CBD

Ntombi asked me why I was so quiet in a group chat we(or they) were having in the classroom after a lecture, it was concerning I guess. I told her I was fine, just worried about the BAG exam that we were going to write in a few minutes. Yes I was worried about the exam but that was not the reason I wasn't participating in the discussion about the high school experiences. The real reason I was so quiet was because I couldn't relate to what they were talking about. They all went to 'Model C' high schools, so they were talking about how they liked or hated Afrikaans, the books they read like Othello and Animal Farm etc. And there I was, misplaced. This was just one of many times, outside of formal class, that I find myself struggling to fit in and contribute to 'normal' students' conversations on Upper(Upper meaning UCT in its entirety). It was one of those moments that I get reminded that maybe, just maybe, my lived experience is not that of a typical UCT student. I thought maybe now that I am in my third year here, I would have gotten used to it but not really, it still hurts whenever it happens. I just have to comfort myself by saying  that maybe our unique experiences are the ones that make us special and interesting.

I knew I didn't fit in in UCT the moment I signed into Smuts Hall, my home for my first two years here. Everything looked and felt foreign, nothing had prepared me for this. The language will surely be a problem for a person from rural Venda, before you open your mouth you fear that the other person might not get what you would be trying to say. I was fortunate to be allocated to the most isolated flat of  the Smuts Hall building, that way I didn't have to interact with people that much. I chose to stay in that flat in even in my second year there, I didn't really see myself as a Smutsman and perpetuating what they called the Smuts Culture. I would only participate in events that were compulsory, so I was drawn to myself. At least there were a few Venda guys in the house, so I would have those dining hall conversations with people with whom I can relate. I liked the proximity to campus the residence provided(it was literally on Upper Campus) but not so much the social life there.

I will forever be grateful for the amazing people I've met in UCT but I usually find that I don't have much in common with them. We might be in the same degree programme or belong to the same church denomination but outside of that, there's no much to build a friendship on. Even with those ones that I manage to build a friendship with, I'd find that our life experiences have exposed us to different worlds. It's then easy for one to think of their own rural experience as being invalid, because it's something that one can just bring into the discussion table unless they are asked to. Somehow I feel most of my friends here don't even know half about me of what I know about them. Not that I mind that, I am not the most open of people.

I know I needed to do more to get to the level my friends are in, in terms of off-school interests they have. Maybe I am to blame for being behind with everything. What kind of a student doesn't watch series like Game of Thrones and Suits, just to mention two? what kind of boy doesn't follow The English Premiership and other European football leagues and competitions? what kind of a student doesn't follow the NBA? what kind of a student doesn't at least drink, even occasionally?. I am that kind of a student, and I have to admit it does have an impact on the social interactions that I have with other students. The thing is I never saw this as a (potential) 'problem' when I was still in Venda, maybe because it was common to find people like these. Here it's a different world, that world I wasn't ready for. They say it's tough in class, I say it's even tougher outside of class when you don't have a life.

I spend a great deal of my time in my room. It's not because I don't get bored when I am alone there but it's because it's a much  better option than being with people. I really don't fit in in the social life in UCT. I would have to change so much about myself and risk losing myself if I want to fit in. That's not the price I am willing to pay. I know I'm missing out big time on student life and I've made peace with that. I am okay with the spectator position I occupy and I believe I can still learn a lot from the sidelines.

I somehow think things would have been different had I been more self-confident coming into UCT. Self-confident people are go-getters, they don't sit around waiting for things to come their way, they literally make things happen. We were advised to get involved in the campus life during our Orientation week, I ignored that for three whole years. Maybe being by being involved, I would have actually found my place in UCT and make the most out of my time here. I would live to regret the missed opportunities here but I will be wiser when I go into my next chapter of my life.


My friends always ask why I would talk to every Venda person I meet on campus and why I am always happy when doing that, I guess that's how the lost prodigal son felt when he saw his father running towards him after some time in the far country. After feeling lost and misplaced, it's always good to at least see and do something familiar. One needs to be reminded now and then that they are not alone, that others have been through they are going through. Seeing my Venda brothers and sisters always remind me that I have no excuse to give up, that self-pity is not an option and that no matter how misplaced I may feel, there will always be people with whom I could get the sense of belonging.

May I always know that there is a space for me in UCT and that I rightfully deserve to be here. My prayer is that even if I don't find my place in UCT's social life, I find my place in Jameson Memorial Hall in that day in June 2017 among those graduating with a Bcom Accounting degree. Until then, it's work, work, work, work,work, work and no play!